unfinished story 002

• October 10, 2002
• James Skemp
• prose

She was one cool cat, as they used to say...

I was in love with her, but couldn't tell her, couldn't put my heart out on the table...

I'd done it before. I'd tell someone, and I'd only end up with pain, a blistering pain. I have chunks missing, each time, I have less on the scale. I try my best, I know that I do, but it's hard, you know?

Crushes, loves, they are all the same. Each time one fails, another brick in the wall...

It's hard to believe, that you can find a love, when everything seems to imply the opposite. How do you know, when it all comes down to it?

How do you know that the one you love loves you back?

Maybe you can't, after all, that's what the songs say. But, nonetheless, you want to believe, you want to know that there is someone...

She was the one, or so I thought. Could I ask her? No. Too many cuts, too much pain. I kept my feelings inside, buried deep inside. I'm not one to tell people about these feelings that I keep locked inside. How do I know that they too do not wish to bring me pain, sadness, tears?

One says love is good, one says love is bad... who in hell do you trust? Can't trust my mom, can't trust my sis... Friends? Them I don't have...

 

It was something about her - but weren't they all like that in some ways? Of course they were. Maybe it would be better to be her friend, forget anything serious. You're bound to be hurt if you try...

 

How can you ask someone, someone so perfect in your eyes, if they'll join you for dinner? I'm no mind reader, I can't know what's going on in that head of hers... I know people with pain - but what's worse; trying and failing, or not trying at all? If you try you have a chance at least. Everyone has to try, but what about the relationship you already have with them? Friends or lovers, one or the other... or so they say...

 

Oh, how I wish to hold her in my arms, to let myself become one with another person, but how I avoid it... Potential pain - what is it worth?