Nasty, Murderous, Clowns -or- Why children should never cross the street alone, and/or without looking both ways twice

• April 28, 2005
• James Skemp
• article

On a cold sunny day in March, little Billy Ann and little Bobby Jo happened upon a street. Billy Ann and Bobby Jo had happened upon this street before, but never on a Sunday, and never when alone. Of course, they had each other, and that is truly what usually matters. Yet our story does not end like this, for Billy Ann and Bobby Jo were about to cross the line and be the little naughty children that every child dreads that they will one day become.

The conversation, as best we can tell, started off quite slow, for they had just eaten some things from their mother’s kitchen. “Wait thirty minutes before you play my children,” their mother had told them, “or you’ll become quite sick.” Yet, as children are wont to do, they did not listen to the advice their mother gave them. Instead, seeing as how their father was busy at work helping their nursemaid move some furniture about, they went outside to play.

Yet playing in the backyard, where children belong, did not suit them long, even though backyard fun is not hard.

“Let us go there to play” said little Billy Ann.

“But dear sister, we are not to go over there” said little Bobby Jo.

“Bosh, silly little boy,” said little Billy Ann to her younger-by-a-month brother, “we can do as we want, for our dear mother is doing her dishes,” like any mother should, “so there we shall go. Unless you would much prefer that I leave you here, for Mr. Biggles to gobble you up.”

Of course little Bobby Jo knew that mean Mr. Biggles was a fate worse than death, for Mr. Biggles walked favouring one leg, which everyone knows is the sign of the beast, although beast they may not know.

“I have determined, dear sister, that I shall go with you.”

And immediately after he was done, with saying the sentence above, “Then off we shall go!” little Billy Ann cried out, in her famous falsetto voice.

Now as little children do, they got into quite a mess, for they soon met the street, which I mentioned much time ago. And while this was not the first time they had seen the street, this day I describe was Sunday, and they were alone, for it was like no other.

“Oh little Billy Ann, you see the street, and we shall go no further” with a little stamp.

“Oh little brother, younger by a month, listen to me, and follow me, for we are two, and are not alone, if taken separately, so cross the street we can.”

“Oh my sister, your logic is faulty, this it must be, for while we are not alone, we are, and therefore must not cross this street. But oh my, oh me, for you have your foot up, and if you lay it down, on the street it will be.”

“And I shall put it down, for it is God’s decree.” And with that, little Bobby Ann put her foot on the street.

“Hello, my dear child,” said the white man with the hat, “I see you have taken a step.”

“Indeed I have,” said little Billy Ann, with some fear in her voice, “but who are you?”

“My dear, I am Luther ‘Cruise the I’ Nosman. And this is my friend and associate, Joey ‘Nosey’ Manitoba. But small child, who are you?”

“I am little Billy …”

“Oh dear sister, they are strangers!”

“But you know our names,” said Luther, “so surely we are not all that?”

“But who is that?”

“That young man, is ‘Greedy Beady’ Derrickel. He’ll do you no harm. He only cares about those who forget that they owe him, or anyone that he knows, money.”

“I see, but I do not know that person.”

“You don’t know ‘Bowtie’ Makenzie! Well today you shall meet. Won’t you just tell him your name?”

“I know no one by that name, and shall know no one by that name, for this is simply a farce.”

“Oh do shush, my little brother Bob …”

“Oh do not tell, for then they shall know!”

“Know what? They shall simply know our names, and since they are not strangers, and since you are talking to them, surely we can tell our names?”

“Your logical is concise, but I still disagree. After all, I know not that person.”

“If you don’t know Bobby ‘Swirls’ MacKenzie, Jr. then you surely are no child, for he is known by all, and shares some of his name with you, dear Bobby …”

“Not he, you tricky man, the other, the one that has one eye.”

“Ah, but his eye sees all, for it is not only an eye but the eye. You see, he either sees or he does not, unlike you and me. But enough with this, for that is Calvin ‘C’ McDownell.

“That settles it, you see, for there are no others. I am Billy A …”

“No more, older-by-a-month sister, no more!”

“I am Billy Ann …”

“Oh no!”

“… and he is Bobby Jo. Now we have meet, as pleasant as the Brits.”

“Ah, so Bobby Jo, and Billy Ann, how wonderful to know. As I said I am Luther, and these are the people I know. Now then, I believe we shall, yes, we shall, we shall play a game. For you, dear little children, did not look both ways, before you began your trip, across this busy street.”

“But dear sir, there is no traffic here,” said little Billy Ann, “for this street dead-ends there, as you can plainly see.”

“But little girl, the hate that lives within them blinds siblings two, for my two dear associates can see no dead-end on this oh-so-busy street. But you have not met them, so strangers they are, and seeing as how it my duty, I shall introduce them to you.”

And with that Luther swept his arms, and two appeared, as if they had been there all along.

“The one on your left is little ‘Hairy’ Peter Doe, and the one on your right is ‘Cranky’ Peter Doe. The resemblance is quite similar, but perhaps it is their mouth that your eyes have captured. For you see, the Does like to eat, little children who cross the street, without looking before they plant their feet. So little Billy Ann, and little Bobby Jo, you two are soon to be their feast.”

And with this, little Billy Ann, and little Bobby Jo, having not read the towering article, On Clowns Taking the Souls of People, Especially the Young, and Encapsulating Them Within Balloons, soon released what is stated there, and proceeded to yelp, quite like children are wont to do.

And at this moment, quite surprisingly, the meanest Mr. Biggles that ever walked the planet happened by. And with a wave of his arm, the eight nasty, murderous, clowns disappeared.

“Dear children, that is why you always look both ways twice, before you cross the street. Do you understand?”

Silent nods from both.

“And it also proves, beyond a doubt, that while two individuals may not be alone, they are in fact alone.”

Yay Mr. Biggles, yay J.C.

The always temporary END, or FIN, if so you desire.

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Some of my favourite quotes from this piece follow. See if you caught them all.

Remember when ‘Bowtie’ Makenzie said “You think the bowtie is cute do you? Say it's cute one more time. Say it's cute one more time!”

Who said the following? “It is the world one must impress, as the self is aware of what one is.” and “In a world of brutes, one must do what one must in order to hold back the tides of apathy and futility. I, sir, am a man of action. I, sir, am a man who will not sit and wait while things fall apart. I, sir, will play my part actively.” If you said Luther ‘Cruise the I’ Nosman, you’re right!

How about these two? “It just went off, it's not like I did it or anything. You know, things just go off - it's like magic and stuff.” and “A party!?! Joy! A party!” Yup, Bobby ‘Swirls’ MacKenzie, Jr. did say those things.

“You know what I think? I don't think he has the money. I think he's playing us. You playing us? You taking us for a ride? Maybe we should you for a ride. Maybe you should go down to the docks with us. Maybe you should feed the animals. Want to feed the animals? Want to go feed the animals with us? Let's go feed the animals!” Sorry, it was 'Greedy Beady' Derrickel.

This one is hard, so don’t feel bad if you don’t get this right away, or if you have to go back and look. “Peek-a-boo! I see you on the floor Alex - on the floor bleeding - on the floor bleeding your life away! Ain’t that a sight for a sore eye.” Hey, you did remember that Calvin ‘C’ McDownell said this!

This one is easy. “You think ’cause I don't have a nose I can't smell a rat?” as well as “Maybe you should have sniffed around before you started makin’ such claims, huh?” Joey “Nosey” Manitoba is right!

‘Hairy’ Peter Doe and ‘Cranky’ Peter Doe? How do you think they talk with faces like that? That’s what happens when young boys look at young girls, and twice as bad vice versa. So listen to teacher and don’t. And once again, yay Mr. Biggles, and half a yay for J.C.

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Note: Based upon content created January 23rd 2003, February 7th 2004, and March 5th 2004. You may also be interested in article titled On Clowns Taking the Souls of People, Especially the Young, and Encapsulating Them Within Balloons, if you’d like to know more about the clowns that you may meet, when least you expect it.