Have we discovered the true goals of the United States of America?

• January 22, 2005
• James Skemp
• article, political

First it was Afghanistan. Next, it was Iraq, Iran and North Korea, parts of the ‘axis of evil’. Now Condoleezza Rice is calling our attention to Cuba, Iran, North Korea, Zimbabwe, Burma and Belarus (Belarus? Is anyone else wondering where this is? And I keep myself fairly up to date on these things, I thought.).

Gavin introduced me to Noam Chomsky’s spoken word, so I understand why Cuba would be a threat to the United States. Iraq has all that ‘liquid gold’, and Iran is certainly close enough to Iran to warrant some threat to America’s interests in Iraq. North Korea most certainly has WMD, or Weapons of Mass Destruction – even more so than Iraq.

Yet, looking at all of this information, from intelligent speakers and trustworthy news sources, is truly unnecessary. In fact, all we really need to do is look at what these countries have in common.

Is it a faith that they share? The United States is ‘under God’, so naturally any country threatening that ideal would warrant the ‘threat’ status. But, no, we need not look at things like that.

Is it the colour of the skin of the people of those countries? It’s true people of colour are a great benefit to the United States in so far as they give the Army great fodder, but it’s also true that you can tell a lot about someone by the colour of the skin, or the way that they look. Does the individual look like they’re from the Middle East? Chances are they’d be filling to kill you for their pagan God. Does the individual have a larger than average nose, or an average nose if female? Don’t borrow money from them – they are probably Jews.

But no, we don’t need to look at the actual people of the countries. In fact, looking at the people of countries is completely unnecessary. Rather, look at what really matters about the country – look at the country’s name.

That’s right, it’s as simple as the name of the country. Clearly, Iraq and Iran, to take but two examples, are missing the embodiment of freedom – America. In fact, their use of an ‘a’ in their country’s name is worst kind of evil. Clearly any country that is not America, but uses an ‘a’, is evil. In fact, this is so apparent that it needs no further discourse. However, if you are still stuck on this point, I urge you to visit your local church and listen to what the officials there tell you.

Now that we’ve moved past that point, it’s quite clear who the tyrants are. Afghanistan was clearly a major player, since there were three ‘a’s in the name of the country. Iraq has an ‘a’, and is close enough, and has been enough of a problem over the years, that it was easier to attack there than not to. Iran has an ‘a’, and is close to Iraq, so is easy to bounce into as well. Some may ask about Africa, which has two ‘a’s – why not attack Africa, or Canada for that matter?

Africa is an easy one – AIDs will solve the problems in Africa. God is truly on the side of America for who else creates disease? Canada is something that the United States of America is saving for later, since everyone knows that maple syrup goes on pancakes, which are best served after war. We certainly wouldn’t want sticky fingers while top officials are pressing buttons or making phones calls, now would we?

Another popular question arises. So does that mean that Mexico and Turkey are safe from tyranny? Unfortunately, no, they are not. Everyone knows that Hispanics and Mexicans come from Mexico. As for Turkey, I’m sure that Turkey has at least one city with an ‘a’ in it’s title, and that’s enough for a war.

But is war really all that bad? After all, without war we wouldn’t have guns, which would mean no bear hunting – after all, you can’t kill a bear with sticks and stones, or bows and arrows! It would also be hard to hunt various birds, if not all birds, since they’re so small and tiny.

So God bless America, Texas, and apple pie.